Your Tranceformations

           My Dad abandoned me as a child, and my depressed mother's mantra was , "I'm all alone and there is not enough money to make ends meet" Here I was starting a small business when my husband as to get divorced. Suddenly the self assured therapist was back to being the abandoned child, and dammit had not the years of Trauma work been enough? I'm a energy healer and knew I was traumatizing myself by not accepting the Divorce, blaming my husband for abandoning me when I needed him most.
          I spent the time crying, losing my cell phone, buying a gas hog, losing the car to my bankruptcy, meeting a guy at Borders with PTSD, becoming best buds, his and my depression drew us close. He even let me live in his spare room until I found a new job. A year later 600 job applications, three interviews , in which I did not get hired. My used car was back in the shop, and job training for my new job in Southern California was causing me to wonder if this 2 year cloud would ever lift.
         My grown daughter was in a lawsuit that could result in jail time. She was desolate and showed up on my husbands doorstep with her infant daughter and three years old son. Has your life ever overwhelmed? Can you relate? As bad as I felt, I also knew she had put up with her husbands lack of working ethic, and she had created the business lawsuit from stupid, yet expensive mistakes, and together she failed. Here I was living at a friends, losing my business, and here she shows up. I needed my husband to help me financially. She was desperate and she moved in. Her huge two dogs sat on my 3000 couch and her children colored on my walls. Her son sprayed our family portrait with fabric softener and they tapped him out emotionally, and financially.
       I had to watch this every day and it grated on me, and caused usually to fight horribly. Here I was the therapist, and the pain of it all was too too much. I called my soon to be ex and yelled and blamed him for causing me to crash, become so depressed I could not function. Have you ever been in a dumb no win situation and wanted to find a way out?

       I'd been listening to the law of attraction and decided to start utilizing it. I realized I am a co creator of my life, and its all about my intention. These were the new buzz words, however this message as not new. Thirty years prior I studied many many laws with Unity church, which is a Christian church based on laws of quantum science as they relate to life process, which when used produce amazing results. With energy work it 's more about the vibrations we put out to others then our words. We can say I love you in many way but the way love gets accepted is by the vibration we emit wehn we say, " I love you."

      My husband never believed I truly loved him or cared what he said because he was severely abused by his Marine older brother,and he became numb to his feelings. This was the most frustrating part of being married to him. I needed his love, yet he learned to numb out early on to avoid his pain of his brothers abuse. The more I depended on him the more he ran away. We were perfect match to learn to become autonomous. I was to learn that no man could ever feel that hole, it was an inside job, and a loving wife could never heal his need to run, it was an inside job. That is why the article "From within , from with out" from Unity magazine, caught my attention. What if I stopped was my need to blame him, and instead reached within.
       For years I reached for anything that would change my sense of emptiness inside. I became a codependent early on realizing that people love people who pick up their glasses at a party or do little favors. I waited on my grandma hand and foot for validation. I was the grandchild who always showed up up to help, then my mom got ill, and I spent years helping her, and then Aunt Barb after Gram passed away. Now it was my daughter and her entire family.
       Here are some Youtube videos produced by The Love Foundation that are on the subject matter. Enjoy!

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           STOP PLEASE! I finally could take it it any more. Had I gone to school all these years to sit and wallow in my loses, when it was time to regroup, pick up The pieces, and move forward. I decided to change. I laid in bed tears rolling down my face and begged God to take away my pain so I would stop looking outside my soul for the answers. I felt a fire burning in my belly and felt it start to burn down through my body and out feet. I felt a whole where the fire had burned out the pain. Then I closed my eyes to feel what my soul feels like, the inside interior. It felt like the greatest peace, silence and eternity I had ever felt. I asked God to take away my controlling nature and to allow me to start utilizing from within, whenever I wanted an unhealthy replacement for self sufficiency. All my life I had sought success from outside myself.
             Since being abandoned at 2 kid by my father I had this belief that a male love relationship could feel the hole. I used to be shopoholic, but the bankruptcy taught me that compulsive shopping is wrong. I used to use my hot body to feel good and was obsessed with working out, and then it was hair extensions, and education, and a nose job, and even being a PhD therapist. When was enough enough. My mother just passed away several months ago.

       I was so embarrassed of poverty and told myself my mother was retarded not to work and be depressed all the time. I made sure looked good and was a hard working cosmotologist, and went to night school so I could disassociate from my connection to her. They say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree , and I was deeply afraid I was retarded too. So I went back to school to prove otherwise. I was shocked at how hard school was. I was a high school drop out who got pregnant at 16. Some male teachers resented my know it all attitude and really wanted to embarrass me. They made me start to think I was too dumb for college. My speech was too casual being raised by my uneducated step Dad and slow mom. They said I probably had ADD and was tested. The jury was out. I think my lack concentration was due to anxiety and depression. I was single parent with 0 child support, doing hair, and I was tired both physically, but mostly emotionally. I took the diagnosis and ran because they gave me a quiet room for testing and it helped. I kept taking coursework and passed so I told myself I must not be that dumb. I graduated CSUF and had mostly A's and a few B's ,which made me extremely proud.

         After I graduated we got married and had Matty. The fights always were around parenting. I would get anxious and shout and he would run out that door with Matty. Me being abandoned, as a child, would go into a rage after he began to do it regularly. The more anxious I became surrounding menopause, had Matt at age 41, the more he ran, the more anxious became doubting my parenting, abilities as a therapist, and abilities as a person. I was coming emotionally abused by my husbands rejection of me. We dated 10 years before marriage and had a wonderfully productive relationship dearly valuing each other. We married and I became obsessed with making our house a home instead of calming myself down I became obsessed with creating the perfect marriage.
        He got depressed after several years, we moved to Roseville from Southern cal and it was after that time when I realized my husband did not care to have conversations, always said, " You never listen" and it was very upsetting for him to tell a therapist I never listened. The more he said it the more upset and anxious I became and it became toxic. We separated and I began deteriorating. I have what they call borderline personality. I'm very smart but emotionally retarded surrounding relationships. Many woman and me have this and recent research is helping stigmatize the embarrassment of having this type of a personality. A person who has been traumatized with severe abandonment and or sexual or physical abuse can become borderline. A full blown borderline is a person like the woman in the movie, " Fatal Attraction,"although usually not that pathological, usually more suicidal.
         There all all level of these needy types, however mine is what I like to refer to as baby borderline whereas I have the needy tendencies, yet can control myself, am not suicidal, yet when a love affairs ends I become obsessed with the pain, and can do nothing accept obsess. This is why I did not get the jobs. I was crying all the time anxious, and had lost 15 lbs. Who wants a therapist like that. I looked sick. I spent the past year working on my PhD, eating healthy,taking lots of supplements, got massages when got my cash from the divorce, did allot of self hypnosis, learned about Borderline personality disorder and decided write about it to help all the other broken hearted people.

I want you to join me, if you do more for others then you do for yourself. Mario my beloved Guru says, " Do not do for others what is theirs to do for themselves" and that is straight from the mouth of a past codependent, now Unity of Anaheim minister. Lets make this a 100 day challenge. Today the day after Thanksgiving 2009 I am reaching within. I'll be talking about it on my face book and the home page so keep looking for my journey. The idea is for us to seek help from the universe when we want love, money or support of any experience. Instead of accepting the substitute for love, being codependent, taking drugs, food, travel, validation from a degree, a fancy home or car or money in general. We came here naked with vivid imagination, creative genius, and the ability to enlist the universe to solve our needs for love. When we ask (intentions) we usually get even better then we wanted because God or the universe generously gives us more of what we need.
         It's usually much better than we could have ever imagined. Today I will seek guidance when I want to run to my daughter and do something for her or her family that she is capable of doing herself. She has got to realize I am not her source and to leave me, and my ex husband alone. She is to encourage her husband to provide or get another one who will. I am not to call my husband to blame him for ending the marriage, I don't like it but must trust my highest power to work this out, and leave him lone. He is raising our son because I'm getting my school finished, and just starting to work again, and he's a  great father. I have to get a grip or I will never succeed,and I've worked too hard, know too much on how to heal, and have got to succeed to prove to myself that these laws work, and to help all the others who have traumatic backgrounds to heal, become self empowered and to fly, yes fly.

      Today I reached within and started to write which as been calling me for 20 years, just write to you all to reach in to experience the bliss. The world needs my story as well as the stories of others. It' all a spiritual journey, and I know I will gain back all the income, respect from all men, and gain many new friends, as well. I'm letting go of the blame game, and learning to respond to it all with love. How will it feel when I want to tell my victim story but reach within, what will I find? I  have no idea, however I can tell you now this is going to end up with some new beginnings, some fear filled moments, yet some blocks being opened, and when they break, I will finally say, " I love and embrace myself, and that was all I ever needed.
        My last mechanic took advantage of me and now today I reach within to communicate with this new mechanic to fix the problem, yet he will know by the tone in my voice that I cannot and will not be taken advantage of again. Do you have a story? Why not try to heal the past by realizing that changing is an inside job, and it takes some time alone to get our minds in gear to center ourselves for success after a Divorce, or job loss or maybe struggling with a relationship. The world is changing at a mind boggling speed, and it seems there are serious problems in our broken health care system, job market, and several wars. It's never ending. The answers lie within ourselves. We need to slow down and seek inner guidance to help us through it all. We dig deep, to find where we need to change, and to gather resources to succeed in creating a healthier happy life.

         Going within has been eyeopening. My, soon to be ex husband, told me he never felt my love for him. I used to get so mad because I worked so hard to give him a beautiful home, yard and meals. I kept myself slim and attractive, and did all the outer behaviors of a loving wife. He said I talk way too much, am bossy and do not listen to him. I thought those were positive traits. After all, as a hairdresser I was trained to talk. Before that I was shy. To compensate for the shyness I developed Miss Motormouth. When we split off from shame (I was embarrassed at an aunts remark, Cindy is back wards.) Who wants to be back wards. I used to hide when relatives came because I was ashamed of our poverty and filth.
        My father had left her with three little tots, and she got depressed, and could not work. She became a dependent personality, and I was SO embarrassed of her. She was a victim, and I spent my entire life distancing myself. I helped her get antidepressants, however after many years of untreated depression, and anxiety she needed allot of help. She was placed in board and care and got better. We had some very happy years with Mom after that. She took responsibility for being happy, and she was a joy.
        Nowadays I remember her as a saint, not a victim. She always asked others to help her raise us kids. I was ashamed thinking she did not want us. She was just too overwhelmed and did not have the psychological tool being chronically depressed. Lately as I reach within I wonder if my husband was right. Maybe I was crying so much over him wanting out that I did not realize I really gave him no love. You can't give what you do not have. I was busy in graduate school. So very distracted. We had a son at age 41, and that was very draining, and when we married at 40 I wanted it to be perfect, and dove right into the home, making it picture perfect. We had lots of family and friends over.
       Then Bills mom passed away, his job changed and we moved to a suburb outside of Sacramento. It's been six long years. Soon after we got here my husband started getting angry allot. His patient personality turned impatient and suddenly he was saying, " You talk too much." He met a few men and although he did not have an affair, he closed down, went out to cards, and weekends away, and just stopped reaching for me. I moved out, started my private practice. The economy hit, and I over charged in advertising and lost my business. I have spent the last year picking up the pieces. I'm living in a friends extra room. I finished my PhD, cried allot, ate healthy, stepped up self hypnosis, and have finally come to the vivid conclusion, I am all I will ever truly possess, and the "I am" is enough. and love must be given freely or its not Love.
        I spent yesterday thinking about the idea that maybe I cheated my husband. It's much harder to take responsibility to change, than to blame the other. I spent the year blaming him. How could he do this to me at my age? Heres the beauty of it. I can now say I'm fully qualified to heal. I was like a metal being burned to perfection. I lost the husband, business, and practically my mind, and whatever does not kill us makes us stronger. I now fully understand how to stop blaming and start loving. It starts with us.

Update 12/12/09